From The Onion:
The Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called “ennui gas,” a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life.
Symptoms include uncontrollable sighing, repeated utterances of the phrase “What’s the use?” a confusion and bitterness regarding one’s place in the universe, and an increased proclivity to listen to Lou Reed records.
“Because ennui gas is a nonpersistent substance, it is highly probable that its victims will someday feel whole again,” said Christie, suddenly furrowing his brow and gripping his temples. “Then again, no one is truly whole, are they? We are all just pieces of flesh and bone masquerading as life, and the world will go on without me, my absence unnoticed, death as futile as life. Pain hath no sting, and pleasure’s wreath no flower.”
Christie then lay down behind the podium and told members of the press to leave, repeatedly stating that there is no point to it all.
